The last 4-5 years for me have been less than ideal. I’m turning 29 soon, which is making me reflect on my twenties and how the last half of them haven’t gone to plan one bit. I thought I’d have three kids and a traditional writing career by now—I don’t.
And I’m okay. I’m grateful to say I’m more than okay, actually. I’m optimistic and excited to see what life has to offer the new me for the first time in years.
I can’t believe I’m sitting here writing this—it’s definitely bittersweet. As much as I wish I had a baby in my arms and my home, and I know I’d be an amazing mother, it doesn’t mean it’s the right role for me right now, and God has a better plan than I ever expected and planned for myself. I’m not going to lie—the last six months since moving on has not been easy. I had many rough grief relapses that lasted at least two weeks at a time until about two months ago when I desperately prayed to God, not for a miracle baby that time, but for Him to hold my hand in letting go. That exact moment is when everything changed and got a little bit easier, and continues to get easier and easier as life is finally looking up. I still get sad, but it happens less often, it doesn’t last as long, and it’s not as raw. I clawed my way out of fertility hell, and some days I can’t believe how much stronger I am, how far I’ve come, that I DID IT! 😭 It’s empowering and liberating, and it made me the best woman I’m meant to be. If I can do it, you can do it, too. 😉
And!! We got a dog! 😊 When I was in the middle of the particularly bad grief relapse mentioned above, I also asked God for the perfect high-energy puppy to keep me on my toes, and most importantly, make me want to get up in the morning. We now have a wild, beautiful blue heeler who definitely was the divine answer to that prayer, and she gives our family limitless, pure joy, the joy and fulfillment we wanted and needed so badly. I’m happy, and you know what? If life went any other way, we wouldn’t have her right now. She was the first hint of God’s better plan, and I can’t wait to see what else He has in store.
If you’d like to see pictures of our baby Kona, my Instagram is to the right. I have some pictures of her in my feed and a highlight section of stories of her. 🥰
At the same time we were trying to have a baby, I was also trying to get a traditional writing career off the ground. My plan was always to self-publish my first novel, so I’m not talking about that one. I specifically wanted an agent for my second and any after. I had finished writing my second in only six months back in 2019, edited it, and queried for about 14-15 months until right before the 2020 holiday season when I finally sat back and waited for any possible late responses.
In a bizarre twist of fate, I received a particularly nasty and unprofessional rejection on my full manuscript from someone I could tell didn’t even read it (so then why ask for the full manuscript? 🙄) on the same day my fertility treatment ended, and it hit pretty damn hard considering that morning all my baby dreams shattered into dust. It was honestly super fucked up. I just kept asking myself why God would do it that way. On the same day? Come on. That’s just plain cruel, and it shook up my faith for some time. My husband comforted me by telling me it’s because I was already in pain, and it would allow me to move on from both at the same time. I’m lucky to say that he was absolutely right. Once I got through the first fertility grieving period (which, surprisingly, wasn’t the worst one), I could see clearly that it was time to move on from a traditional second novel, as well.
So, obviously I knew I was going to self-publish it—I just had to heal from fertility first. I was so depressed as I grieved I didn’t even want to open the Word document, think about creating a cover, think about promotion… nothing. I had to heal one step at a time, and moving on from traditional motherhood came first. When we got Kona, I was finally able to move on to step two. After the initial honeymoon period with her as a tiny puppy-baby-larva, when we weren’t so tired, crate and potty training was over, and we had a routine, I started my last round of read-through edits, and I started my cover a couple of weeks ago. Currently, the plan is to publish in August and promote for fall since the story is set in the fall of 1992. I’m keeping the details secret for now as I learned from the first time around that giant, life-changing soul projects always take longer than you expect to come to fruition. 😅
What was worse and frustrating me to no end, was I needed closure from my second to move forward with my third. I’ve never experienced writer’s block like this before… I can usually get myself out of it eventually. Something just kept holding me back, and I kept thinking about my second’s awesome characters sitting there, waiting for me to do something with them. Now they’re happier 😂 and so am I. I’m really excited to have the second published so I can finish and edit the third, and to move on completely from this stage of my life. I want to enjoy my writing career again, and whether it’s simply self-published or self-published-to-traditional, I don’t care. I just know I’m meant to write, and I want the right readers to read my books, as any artist does. However God wants me to fulfill that need and that dream, I am open to His plan.
In the last three years, I didn’t have a traditional day job. Not only was I focused on trying to build a writing career and have a baby, and living without regrets by giving these big dreams their fair shot in my life, other things happened to add to the whole painful package of the last few years. If things weren’t excruciatingly stagnant, they were outright exploding around me. Things were so bad to the point I was embarrassed to talk to anyone about my life, lost friends, got more distant from my family, and I was petrified to go back to work. I was scared to be treated like human garbage as I’ve been before, and I was scared to feel stuck in a horrible work environment when everything else was already crashing around me. My depression was in such a rocky state I was worried I was going to end up suicidal again, like how I was during the lowest points of my fertility depression. I needed to get better, and a job where I didn’t feel safe and comfortable would make me backtrack. After everything, I couldn’t do that. I needed to keep moving forward.
So, here I am, writing with hard-won, total relief and gratitude as I can finally say I’m moving on to step three after conquering the first two steps. Two of the biggest things my fertility journey taught me is it’s okay to be selfish and I have to do what’s best for me, no matter what. Right now, what that means for me is I’m only interviewing with companies I’m excited to work for, for jobs I know I’ll be happy doing, that will get me excited to wake up in the morning. I told my husband a long time ago that if we had a kid, I would do anything to put food on the table because I got what I wanted. Well, I didn’t get what I wanted, and what will make me happy now is a career I’m passionate about, and that’s my number one focus (after my adorable little family, of course 🥰). I’m letting God surprise me, I know He’s holding my hand the whole way, and I can’t wait to see where I end up.
Yes, everything happens for a reason. However, if someone was to ask me if I would do it all again knowing I would be here today, I’d still say ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT 😅 I never want to live through that hell again, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I do believe, though, everyone goes through their own hell periods for their own reasons. It was tough. I was watching friends and family in their twenties off living their lives, making mistakes, having good times, while I was drowning, no matter what I did to try and get out of it. At the end of the day, though, it was God-driven, divine hell, believe it or not. I don’t know what’s coming next, but I know I want to have fun with my husband and my fur daughter. I’m losing weight and getting healthier (albeit, slowly 😅🤣), we have trips planned for next year when we haven’t travelled since our 2018 wedding and honeymoon in Hawaii, and I just feel better. I can’t wait to truly enjoy the holidays for the first time in years, and to not worry about alcohol or the products in my skincare or is it safe to plan this event months in advance because what if I’m pregnant?! I’m so grateful, relieved, and joyful to finally LIVE!! 🍻
To anyone in their own personal hell period, DON’T GIVE UP. If you’re having suicidal thoughts, GET HELP. This is not the end, I promise you. Three years ago, I never thought I’d make it out, and here I am, still standing, out of the woods 😭 If writing about my journey helps others, even just one person, I know I did my job.
Stay faithful, find your joy, regret nothing. 💕